you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
