Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
