If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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