Don't make out with my wife yet
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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