I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
