Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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