If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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