You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
