Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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