It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
