i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
