I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
