Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
