my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
