I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
