cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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