Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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