You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
