so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Randomize
