I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize