Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize