What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
