Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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