No stitches, just platelets and will power
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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