Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
