just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My vagina just clenched in fear
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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