he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
