Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i love accidental penises.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
