dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
