There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
