i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
