he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
