We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
