I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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