we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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