I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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