I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
