I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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