Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
