How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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