cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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