He felt like a one man threesome
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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