Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
