found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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