who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
