the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
