First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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