So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's no shave November. This is our time.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
