you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
