I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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