i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
