Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
