I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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