I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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