Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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