my mouth tastes like poor choices
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
