I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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