you guys were way drunker than both of me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
