I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How external is "for external use only"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
