I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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